Guarded Vulnerability

I hear it over and over again. Be vulnerable. Be real. Be authentic. Vulnerability is praised while being guarded and reserved is not.

It was my biggest struggle – vulnerability. I didn’t want anyone to know I was suffering from anxiety, and not just anxiety, but a full blown, debilitating, what often felt bizarre, anxiety disorder. I still am not even totally sure why I was so terrified of being “found out”. I suppose I was afraid of rejection, embarrassment, loss of control? I always feared something was wrong with me and I guess I was afraid everyone else would think there was too.

Brene Brown may have not been the first to talk about vulnerability, but she certainly helped make it “cool”. I, along with thousands of other people, am a big fan of Brene Brown. Her book, Daring Greatly, was incredibly inspiring. My Therapist recommended it to me, because she knew vulnerability, allowing myself to be truly seen, anxiety disorder and all, was my greatest struggle.

I agree with Brene Brown when she says, “Shame derives it’s power from being unspeakable.”

How many years did I pretend I was ok when I was not? I hid the struggle from everyone. I took Ativan and I avoided things. I was working with my Therapist, but still, the struggle was almost daily. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my symptoms, of my thoughts, of my struggle. I felt weak. I felt like a failure. Shame. I didn’t want others to know. It felt unspeakable to me and therefore, my silence kept my shame alive.

Vulnerability is freedom. I agree with that. But I got to thinking, why was I so closed off to vulnerability in the first place? Why was I so afraid to share my struggles? Vulnerability is, of course, not easy for anybody. Brene Brown is quick to point out how much courage it takes to actually show up and be vulnerable. You have no idea what the outcome will be. That’s scary for anybody.

But I think, for myself at least, there’s more to it than that because, you see, there have been times in my life where I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable and it’s backfired. It’s caused more damage than good. Maybe I need thicker skin but I’m not someone who can shake things off so easily. I’m sensitive and the ways in which people have responded to me in the past, when I’ve been vulnerable, have scarred me. I don’t think I was even aware of it at the time, but subconsciously I was building walls up around myself to protect myself.

Let’s face it. People can be cruel.

I can remember a good friend’s mother making fun of my anxiety when I was 13 years old. I had just moved from another country and I was struggling and she teased me about it. Maybe it wasn’t necessarily even “teasing” but regardless, I felt judged. Walls up.

I opened up to one of my best friends about my anxiety because I wasn’t up to going out one night and instead of making up an excuse and lying about the reason, I decided to be vulnerable and tell her the truth. She meant well but her first response was to advise me to go on medication and stop icing out my friends. Walls up.

On a girls’ trip, one afternoon around the pool, we got to sharing some deeper stories with each other. I opened up about some childhood experiences that were tough. Although my vulnerability was applauded at the time, it led to a lot of unsolicited advice and ultimately a pretty significant breakdown in certain relationships. I can’t divulge too much here, but just know, it was another bad experience with vulnerability. Walls up.

To be clear, I’m not saying my “walls up” reaction is the right reaction. Do I think vulnerability is still a worthwhile pursuit? Yes. Has allowing myself to be vulnerable always gone well for me? Nope.

Maybe you get better at it the more you do it…vulnerability. Maybe you build up “shame resilience”, as Brene Brown calls it and to be clear, she is not advocating “reckless vulnerability” and I guess, neither am I.

I am advocating for guarded vulnerability. Sometimes, I’m not in the headspace to handle rejection so if that’s the case, maybe I don’t share something that someone else might not “get”. Sometimes, the people I’m around don’t know me well enough for me to share my “deep stuff”. I think it’s important to use discernment whenever sharing something that makes us vulnerable, because, quite frankly not everyone is capable, and maybe they’re not even worthy, of handling that kind of sensitive information.

Walls up? Not so much. There’s a door there. I think, I’m just going to be a little more selective when it comes to opening it.