It sounds so simple, and I suppose, for some people it is that simple. I am not one of those people. I am, 100%, a people pleaser. I almost said recovering people pleaser, but I’m not really, because if I’m being honest, I still do it all the time.
I know people who have absolutely no problem being direct and saying exactly what they need and/or want, and even more importantly, what they don’t need or want. I’ve seen these people in action. I’ve been on the reciprocating end of interactions with them, one where I ask for something, and they flat out tell me no.
I admire them. I also, sometimes, hate them a little bit.
I’ve had the thought, “Wow, how selfish can he/she be.”
There’s a fine line between speaking your truth and being an a**hole. But I guess that’s part of the point for people who aren’t people pleasers…They don’t really care if you think they’re an a**hole or not. For the purposes of this post, I’m mostly referring to people who are direct but also considerate. I’ve certainly experienced direct and inconsiderate/selfish too. That’s a conversation for another time. And either way, whether I feel a flash of irritation or not, the admiration is still there.
These people offer no explanations, no excuses. They just say yes or they say no. Direct. No nonsense. Let the chips fall where they may. Let people think what they will.
It’s admirable!
And it’s also so, so challenging for me.
I’m someone who can really read a room. I feel other people’s emotions. I’m not saying I always get it right…But, usually I do. I am in tune with what’s happening when I’m in a group scenario. That doesn’t mean I always say the right thing or I never put my foot in my mouth. What it means is that sometimes these scenarios can be quite exhausting and overwhelming for me.
It’s near impossible to keep everyone happy or to always say/do the right thing. Yet, I still strive for it.
My responses and behavior often reflect what I feel other people are looking for from me…Not necessarily what I, myself, want or feel. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve agreed to do something I’ve wanted to say no to.
The problem with this “selfless” behavior, is that it’s not actually selfless, because it almost always makes me feel resentful or bitter.
Matthew 5:37. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. I think this verse is talking about rash or outlandish oaths/vows, but it’s certainly applicable for people pleasers too.
God doesn’t want us full of pent up frustration, resentment and bitterness. I know this. I know I need to be more direct sometimes, even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. Instead, I often take the path of least resistance and begrudge whatever it is I’ve agreed to later on.
Not to make excuses, but there have been times where I have felt I’ve been direct, and the person pushes back, and then I still cave in the end. And feel even more bitter. Sometimes, people don’t accept your yes or no and then it’s even harder to hold that boundary. I’ve gotten slightly better at being direct initially, but I really struggle when I feel like I’ve been firm with my boundary and someone doesn’t respect it or keeps pushing it.
People pleasing is stressful. It’s near impossible to please everyone all the time, and when you’re too busy trying to please everyone around you, it’s 100% impossible to please yourself. There’s a time to be selfless, for sure, but there’s also a time to respect your own feelings, your own schedule, your own needs.
There’s a close connection between people pleasing and anxiety. I know for a fact it contributed to my own anxiety disorder, and even though I don’t consider myself to be currently struggling with an anxiety disorder anymore, I still feel the stress that people pleasing behavior brings on.
I hate when someone is mad or disappointed in me. Around the holidays, I’m a hot mess trying to fit everything and everyone in and make sure no one’s feelings are hurt. If I’m hosting a party, I hate to see someone looking like they’re not having a good time or sitting alone. I want to please. I want everything copacetic. If I’m honest, I want people to like me.
Matthew 5:37 wasn’t necessarily written for people pleasers, but I read it and that’s where my own conviction led me. I really shouldn’t worry about how my response affects someone else’s opinion of me. I should be ok with letting my yes be yes and my no be no. I shouldn’t feel the need to explain myself or justify my reasons or say the thing that is just going to placate the person I’m talking to.
I don’t necessarily have a solution except to just keep trying. Keep trying to lean into the discomfort that I’ll inevitably feel when I let someone down. It’s not a great feeling, but it must get easier the more you do it.
In the long run, I’m sure there will be benefits. I know there will be. It’s just the getting there that’s the hard part.
The Hope Antidote 