Is It Depression?

I have a lot of experience with anxiety. Way too much experience with anxiety. When my anxiety was at its peak, I can remember feeling a deep discouragement down in my soul, and maybe a form of depression but I can’t be totally sure. I want to say that what I was feeling was most likely just another symptom or side effect of my anxiety disorder. I was never diagnosed with depression, even though at times I probably did exhibit symptoms associated with depression.

So, this is new for me.

My anxiety, for the most part, is under control. SO beyond thankful for that. But, recently I’ve not been feeling like myself in a different sort of way. I’m tired and not just the kind of tired from a poor night’s sleep. It’s this deep weariness in my soul. I can barely muster up the energy to run the dishwasher. I look around at the house and it’s a mess and instead of taking a deep breath, putting my head down, and beginning to clean, like I normally would, I find myself on the verge of tears and flopping onto the couch and zoning out, mindlessly scrolling on social media on my phone. It doesn’t make me feel better, but it distracts me.

I find myself weeping after a social event and I’m not even sure why. Everyone was perfectly pleasant, and yet, I feel a sense of loneliness, and I find myself wallowing in it.

I’m emotional and sensitive and exhausted.

I feel like I’m in a fog sometimes, like my brain isn’t working at full capacity, like I’m not comprehending things as easily as I normally would.

I procrastinate. I’m not motivated. Everything feels like it takes an enormous amount of energy, energy I don’t have. The smallest task feels insurmountable.

My thoughts, particularly my self talk, sound negative. I am crap at everything. Why am I so lazy? Why can’t I lose weight? Am I bad mother? I compare myself to others. Small inconveniences feel like catastrophes. I spiral. I’m easily irritated.

The changes are somewhat subtle, not anywhere near as distressing as my anxiety disorder was years ago, but I don’t feel…right. I don’t feel totally myself.

Is this depression? I started to wonder. I have had my fair share of mental health struggles, but those struggles have been fear-based. I don’t have a lot of experience with these new feelings and symptoms.

Now, let me just say there are several factors that could be contributing to this.

Number one, I’m a mom to a young child. Exhaustion is part of the game at this point.

Number two, I just had minor surgery.

Number three, recovering from the surgery involved a lot of soreness and aggravation.

Number four, I was on a dose of amoxicillin after the surgery and it messed with my stomach. Big time.

Plus, there are everyday stressors I deal with just like everyone else. Work. Financial stress. Marital arguments. Relationship drama. Packed schedules. Transitions. Hormonal changes throughout the month.

My therapist pointed out I was probably underestimating how much energy my body was using up to heal from this surgery, which in combination with the above mentioned normal, everyday stuff, was just zapping my zeal completely. My zest for life was basically a fizzle, if that. More like a vapor, barely there.

And a quick google search showed me that amoxicillin can totally wreak havoc on your gut, which in turn can cause temporary changes in mental health.

I took a deep breath. Maybe it’s temporary. That’s always a comforting thought for me, to know that this isn’t really me, and that these feelings will pass. Even if it is depression and it lingers after I recover from my surgery and my stomach gets back to normal, I know it won’t be my forever. It took me a long time to recover from anxiety, I remind myself.

In the meantime, I’m trying not to dwell. I’m hoping for the best. I’m going to try to get back to the basics. Working out. Going to bed at a decent hour. Limiting my phone use. Cutting back on sugar. I don’t think I can cut out caffeine at this point, which is also interesting, because when I was struggling with anxiety, I went years without caffeine, and now it feels like I can’t cope without my morning cup of coffee. But, maybe I can cut back.

I booked a session with my Therapist, who I used to speak to once a week and then twice a week and then once per month, but since I’ve been feeling better anxiety-wise, I haven’t kept a regular appointment schedule. Maybe I need to go back to that.

I’m going to set aside time for myself spiritually too, because that’s another thing I feel is suffering, or if not suffering, it’s a bit lackluster – my faith. I’m a practicing Christian and I don’t mean in the sense that I just go to church and believe in God, though I do both, but I have a deep relationship with God, in the sense that I talk to Him, read His word, meditate on scripture, seek His wisdom for my life. I find myself yearning for that connection, especially in light of these new feelings. I haven’t made time for God.

I need to make time for all these things and that’s easier said than done, which brings me to another point. I think because me-time is so limited these days, when I actually get it, I’m almost overwhelmed because it’s so precious and I want to make sure I utilize it in the best way possible. That’s a lot of pressure. When I get a rare moment to myself, there’s responsibilities calling me. The sink is full of dishes. I have nothing to wear because I haven’t done laundry in close to two weeks. There’s also things I want to do, like write or pick up that book I started months ago. I could go for a walk. I could make myself a meal. I could sit on my phone and scroll. I could watch TV. And no matter what I do, I’m always wondering if I should be doing something else.

Just one more complication to add, but as I said, I’ll do my best to start with the basics. I’m sure I won’t be perfect at it, but it’s a place to start. It feels good to have a plan and it feels good to identify several factors that could be contributing to how I’m feeling. I’m hoping it’s circumstantial and I’ll feel better soon.

Thinking positively. For a change.

Everything is temporary. Life is tiring right now. It won’t always be. My body will heal. My mind will recover. I will feel happy again. That too, will go. It’s ok. It will come back again.