There are few things in life more taxing than getting two small children out the door and into a car. I’ve been lucky to have my mom and in-laws helping me get my 4 year old to school so I can stay home with my new baby and not worry about schlepping him along with me. But, alas, all good things must come to an end.
When I did finally start taking her to school again, the baby had to come along with us (obviously). I was so uncertain about what I needed to do with the baby when we got to school. Did I have to take him out of the car and bring him with me to the door to drop off his sister? Was someone going to arrest me if I left him in the car while I dropped her off? Should I leave the car running or shut the engine off? What if he started screaming? I asked my mom what she thought. I asked my husband. I asked other parents. No one really gave me a clear answer.
I decided it would be safest to carry him and his hefty car seat with me to the door each time I had to pick her up or drop her off. This seemed silly to me but I was so afraid of what other people would think. I believed that somehow, leaving him in the car for one minute would make me a terrible mother or at least I believed other people would think I was a terrible mother.
Well, one day, in the freezing cold, I was walking my daughter to the door, baby and car seat in tow, doing that one sided lean/walk thing you do because those damn car seats are NOT lightweight.
One of the other moms, a friend of mine, discreetly said something along the lines of, “Don’t feel like you have to take him out of the car every time. I left my daughter in the car at drop off. It’s only a minute or two. Don’t worry about it.”
I could have cried from relief. She was giving me permission to do what I already, deep down, instinctively thought was the right call.
This experience made me realize I do this kind of thing all the time. I feel like I need someone to give me permission to do something, to think something, to buy something. It made me wonder – Why is it that I need my decisions, my actions to be validated by someone else? It’s not just motherhood and child rearing either, although that has highlighted this lack of confidence tremendously. It’s everything – across the board.
- To give a pacifier or not.
- Take a long maternity leave or go back to work.
- Private school or public.
- Cut out carbs or cut out meat.
- Look for a new job with better pay or stick with this one with the flexible hours.
- Nanny or daycare or just try to work at home with the baby.
- Move to a smaller property or keep our farm.
- Skip breakfast and intermittent fast or eat every 2-3 hours.
- Do housework or write.
- Allow screen time? Allow sugar?
- Schedule/routine or flexibility while parenting.
- Gentle parenting vs. Tough love depending on the issue.
- House upgrades or vacation?
- Dye my hair or hold off until my grays get worse.
Most of these are minor decisions and the very obvious truth is that there’s no right or wrong answer. There’s just different. So, why do I feel this sense of unease when I make a decision, worrying that its somehow the wrong one? What is that about?
I know people who seem totally confident in everything they do. Maybe they’re not, but that’s how they appear. Where does that confidence come from? Where do they get their sense of certainty? I have friends who don’t seem to even consider that there may be a better way to do something. They know what they want and they go for it. They don’t compare themselves to other people, they don’t worry they made the wrong choice, they don’t grapple with the endless other possibilities out there. They trust their own instinct. They make their own rules.
Maybe its the number of options that’s the problem. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” This should be freeing. This should feel good. There’s not a right or a wrong way to do something. On a logical level, I know this, and still, I notice I feel this need to seek validation that I am doing life right, that I’m making the right choice, that I’m normal.
I’m trying to observe this realization without judgement but there are times I feel frustrated with myself. Why can’t I just be content with what I’ve decided? Why do I always wonder if I’m doing something the right way? Why do I have to research better ways to do something? Is it an issue of contentment? Confidence? What is it?
I don’t know the answer. I just know that sometimes I wish there was someone walking beside me telling me which way is going to end up best for me, guiding me into the right decisions, giving me permission to do something. Especially in parenting my kids.
I know my last post was about decision fatigue. This is more about “decidophobia”, which I didn’t realize was a real thing (thank you Gemini).
Maybe the key is trusting yourself. I’m trying to trust my gut more, which is interesting, because at the height of my struggle with anxiety disorder, I was told not to trust my gut, because my gut was telling me everything was dangerous. I was on high alert and having panic attacks at the grocery store.
Also, I was never sure of the old adage about following your heart. It’s a human philosophy and runs contradictory to the biblical warning that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). I know my own mind and heart are not always in a good place so I believe the verse to be true. I don’t see the full picture. I am not all-knowing or always wise – only God is, so it makes sense to not just blindly follow my heart.
And, yet, I wonder if I’ve taken the verse too literally or if that verse is taken too literally in Christian culture as a whole. God has given us a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7) and he clearly cares about the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4).
Maybe the key is to pray for wisdom and trust that God is guiding your decisions.
I’m trying.
Maybe the other key is realizing that nobody really knows what they’re doing and maybe everyone is questioning their life choices.
I can’t be the only one worrying I’m not getting it right.
The Hope Antidote 