I’m going to be honest when I say sometimes I look forward to Monday more than I do the weekend. It wasn’t always this way. Although, now that I think about it, sometimes even pre-mom me felt like this, because at least there was routine. There was structure. I knew what was coming and there was some level of peace in that sense, even though work used to be such a source of anxiety for me.
But now I look forward to the work week for different reasons. I have a toddler at home, whom I adore more than anything on the planet, and yet, sometimes I can’t wait to have a moment to myself even if it’s for work.
Trust me, there is guilt that comes with this confession. I feel like a horrible mom saying this, or writing this. I look at my stay at home mom friends and my home-schooling mom friends and I, inevitably, compare myself to them. I am not as good a mom. What is wrong with me? Why don’t I want to soak up every moment and be with my daughter all the time? I’m sure I’ll regret this at a later date.
Judgey. I can be very judgey, mostly towards myself.
It’s just that motherhood is both exactly as hard as I thought it would be and simultaneously it is harder than I thought it would be. It can be mundane and tiring and sometimes it feels like I am missing out on doing something important or something interesting, or selfishly, something for me.
Motherhood requires all of you, and that is something I don’t think anyone can be prepared for.
When I’m feeling taxed by it all, completely fried or overstimulated from a tantrum, or bored from pretend play, or frustrated because she’s refusing to eat dinner again, what I’ve been telling myself lately is what I’m doing with my daughter is actually the most important work I’ll ever do.
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying: Kids don’t distract us from the important work, they are the important work. I’m not sure who said it, but it’s true.
It’s become a mantra for me lately. When I’m playing barbies with her, when we’re reading the same book over and over, when she’s dipping her fingers, instead of the brushes, into the paint yet again, I remind myself that yes, it can feel monotonous, but it is the most important work I’ll ever do, raising this small human.
As I’m doing all this, she’s learning, she’s watching, she’s exploring the world around her. So, the dishes can wait, the laundry can wait, the things I want to do, like reading a book or writing or watching a Netflix show or going on a walk can wait, even my corporate job can wait.
She is the most important thing in my life. She is going to grow up one day and the things I do with her now have the power to shape her as she grows into an adult. I am her mother and all these mundane things, all these things that can sometimes feel frustrating and unimportant are actually the most important things I will do.
I’m not saying it’s not important to take breaks, to do adult things, to go for that walk or make time for a hobby, because it is. You can’t be mommy 24/7, or at least I can’t be. I need those things in order to be the best mom I can be, but, being a mom is the most important work I’ll do. Spending time with my little girl, having important conversations in the midst of the make-believe play and the messes and the potty training and the sleepless nights, these are the moments that matter.
She is so special. My hope and prayer is that she would be a light in, what can feel like, an incredibly dark world sometimes. So, I wipe her runny noses, and wash her hands, and comfort her when she falls. I read the stories, listen to kid songs in the car, chase after her on the playground, play endless games of hide and seek, and I tell her I love her constantly.
I do my best to raise a healthy, happy, smart little girl who knows her worth, who knows that she has a heavenly Father up above who adores her, because someday she will be grown and someday she will have the power to go out in the world and make a difference.
So in the midst of a messy house, as she’s watching Cocomelon, I sit here and I type this, a bit teary-eyed as I look over at her profile, the cute little button nose and perfectly shaped lips as she wipes her chocolatey hand on the couch. Motherhood is such a labor of love and there is nothing more important than that, nothing more important than raising these precious little souls, so that one day, they can go out and do amazing things in a world that, more than ever, needs amazing things to be done.
The Hope Antidote 