The Good Fruit

Usually, anxiety isn’t thought of as a positive thing. Who wants to feel anxious? It typically only breeds more anxiety, self-consciousness, self-centered-ness, avoidance, irritability, frustration, impatience, and depression. I’m speaking from experience and the list could go on.

But, does anxiety ever produce good stuff? I think, maybe so.

I hated struggling with an anxiety disorder. It was the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It seemed insurmountable at times and made me feel hopeless. It’s easy to remember how horrible it was. I don’t want to go back there, but as I think about how battling an anxiety disorder changed me and shaped me, I may finally be at a place where I can say I’m grateful I went through what I went through. Maybe.

So, although anxiety sucks, I thought it might be worthwhile to think about (and write about) the good ways in which anxiety changed me.

In other words, the good fruit, as opposed to the bad fruit (mentioned above). The outcome. The product brought about by the process – the process of suffering.

As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “Beautiful people do not just happen.”

When we suffer, we can go one of two ways. We can retreat into our suffering, growing bitter and angry and hateful, refusing to persevere, wallowing in the depths of despair. We can give up. I’ve been there. Or, we can go on despite the struggle. It’s never easy and it doesn’t feel good, but maybe we’re open to what we can learn from the fiery trial that we find ourselves in.

Here’s a few of the “good fruits” harvested from my definitely NOT good struggle with anxiety:

Empathy for others – This is a big one. I am a sensitive, compassionate person by nature, but I am also impatient, and people often frustrate me. There’s nothing like a long, solid struggle with mental health to humble you and give you new eyes to see the pain of those suffering around you. I was knocked to my knees and then kicked to the floor, barely able to stand up again, so when I see someone else suffering like I did, I understand, and I make allowances for any shortcomings they may have at the moment.

Contentment – I find I am able to handle certain discomforts better than I used to. I know when I meet someone who has gone through a really tough struggle of some sort, I’m often amazed at how “laid back” they seem, but I kind of get it. Facing challenges builds resilience so you just don’t sweat the “small stuff”. Your threshold for pain sort of increases. You are content with the way things are, even if they’re not perfect.

Patience – A stressed mind and body produces all kinds of unwanted symptoms, some of which, can be truly awful at times. People can wind up in the hospital because of the sensations and symptoms that an anxiety attack can produce. That’s the point of anxiety – to make you think something is wrong and needs your immediate sensation – i.e. you feel like you’re dying or going crazy. Needless to say, you want to get rid of the symptoms as soon as possible, but it can take a long time for your mind and body to calm down, and it can take an even longer time to deal with unhealthy behaviors, contain fearful thinking, and deal with any other underlying factors. When I was in the early days of my anxiety recovery, I had no choice but to be patient while the worst of my symptoms started to dissipate.

Perseverance – This one goes hand in hand with patience. You need patience and perseverance in order to overcome an anxiety disorder because for a long time you may not notice improvement despite the work you’re putting in to your recovery, and that gets real frustrating, real quick. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t naturally come by perseverance. It’s one of my greatest weaknesses. If I’m not instantly good at something, I don’t pursue it. I have a very short frustration fuse and when something isn’t easy right away, I walk away. Struggling with an anxiety disorder did not allow me to walk away. There was no choice but to buckle up and grit my teeth and work through it. Persevere despite the discouragement, despite the setbacks, despite the struggle.

Appreciation for the small things – Gratitude. It’s a practice that makes a difference. In my most anxious moments, I tried to find things to be thankful for, and surprisingly enough, there was always something. The walks with my dog, the peaceful sound of the rain on the window, the gorgeous sunsets on the farm, the ability to work from home, a hot shower, takeout. Not to mention, every moment I’m not anxious is a blessing.

Wisdom – Suffering breeds wisdom. Are there wise people out there who haven’t suffered or struggled? Maybe, but I don’t know of any offhand. I’m also not claiming that I am “all-wise” after struggling with an anxiety disorder, but I did learn lifelong lessons that I probably wouldn’t have if I had just coasted through the last 15 years. As life goes on, inevitably struggles will arise, and through those struggles, we learn. Hopefully.

Anxiety feels really bad but maybe this is the upside: the lessons learned, the behavior changes, the mindset shift. The good fruit.