I thought the toughest decision I’d ever make was the decision to become a mother or not. My husband and I were married for 10 years before we finally decided to try and I wasn’t even certain how easy getting pregnant would be for me. Turns out, very easy. I went off the pill and a month later I was pregnant. And shocked. And scared. And excited.
You should know, I don’t handle change well. I almost never feel certain before I make a decision. Will it backfire? Will I regret it down the road? What if it’s the wrong choice? The fears, the lists, the pros and cons I dwell on before I make a decision can almost paralyze me.
So, yes, becoming a mother was a very difficult decision for me, for many reasons. Thankfully, it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. I love my daughter more than I thought humanely possible. Everything she does amazes and delights me. I revel in every hug, every snuggle, every time she reaches out to me.
This, however, does not mean that parenting came easy for me. Adjusting to being somebody’s parent was SO hard, despite the fact that my daughter is a pretty easy kid (in my opinion, she’s a literal angel, but I know I’m biased). I know I’m not the only one. Lots of people find parenting hard. Keeping tiny humans alive is no easy feat and helping them to actually thrive is even harder.
Your time is no longer your own. Sleeping in is a thing of the past. Keeping the house clean is an impossible task. Entertaining children can be tiring and boring. They try your patience, your tolerance, at times your sanity. After all, they’re human. Have you ever met a human that isn’t complicated? We all are. We have thoughts, emotions and dreams. We get frustrated, sick and overtired. Tiny humans are no different.
And, still, yes, making the jump into parenthood was the best decision I ever made.
I kind of thought tough decisions were behind me after this one. Maybe naively so. Because for the past several months, not a day goes by where I don’t stress about having another baby.
There’s the external pressure – the well meaning people who say that Skylar needs a sibling. Society as a whole says that. She’ll be lonely. What if something happens to you and she’s left alone? She needs a playmate. She’ll be spoiled. Only children grow up to be selfish adults (yes, people say this). On it goes.
On the other hand, people with only one child can scare you too. How will you manage? Childcare is so expensive. What if the second kid is difficult or has special needs?
There’s also internal pressure. I have siblings, and even though our relationships haven’t always been perfect, we’re there for each other. I love them. I laugh with them. We share the same blood and the same parents and we grew up in the same house. There’s a bond there that can’t be broken. I want that for Skylar. I want her to have a sibling bond for life. Someone she can laugh with about her crazy parents. Someone she can text and say, “hey remember that time that mom…”
I wonder if it will be easier down the road, when Skylar has a playmate and I don’t have to be the playmate all the time.
Part of me feels like maybe our family isn’t quite complete, like there’s a missing chair at the dinner table.
The other part of me doesn’t want to go through pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and sleep deprivation all over again. It’s the same part that’s really content with life right now. Skylar is a little over 2 at the time I’m writing this and though she still demands a lot of attention and still needs me, I feel like I’m more myself again. I can walk away from her for a few minutes while she plays quietly. I don’t have to carry her around everywhere. She goes to bed between 7-8pm and I have the entire evening for myself. I feel like I’ve gained some me-time and independence back and I don’t know if I want to give that up again.
I’m content right now. But, will I be content later down the road? Or will I wish I had made the choice to have another child, despite how hard it is for the first couple of years or so?
I also love the Gilmore girls vibe I have with Skylar right now. I can picture us as Lorelai and Rory when she gets to high school. I love the idea that I can devote all my time to her. Adding another human to the mix definitely would change that dynamic.
Making the choice to have a child was hard. What they don’t tell you is that making the choice to have a second child is just as hard. I really didn’t think it would be. I thought I’d feel certain. I envy people who do.
I have friends who know exactly what they want. I’m not just talking about kids, I’m talking about everything. They know the life they want and they know the decisions to make and they just make them!
It’s wild.
I wish I had that kind of confidence or that kind of faith. There’s just so much unknown no matter which road in life you take, and maybe just accepting that is the key to make the process of making decisions easier. Just pick something and have peace about it. Trust that it will work out.
I’m still working on that.
In the meantime, I’m still weighing the pros and cons. Undecided. Hoping someone or something will convince me one way or the other. Praying for wisdom. Praying for guidance. Praying for peace in whatever decision I eventually land on.
The Hope Antidote 