Here’s what my day looks like lately.
I wake up around 7:30am exhausted because I don’t sleep well at night because I’m 8 months pregnant and I have to pee every hour and I have heartburn and a head cold and I’m just overall pretty uncomfortable. I have crazy pregnancy dreams and I’m always running hot these days and sweating, especially at night.
My almost four year old, Skylar, wakes up around 7:30 also and usually will watch a little TV in the morning while I pack her lunch and snack for school and pick out her outfit and then get myself dressed and somewhat presentable.
I already feel guilt for not making myself go to bed earlier and get up earlier or for not prepping her lunch or picking out clothes the day before but I barely have energy to drag myself out of bed these days so we’re usually running late and there’s usually some sort of battle that takes place over getting out of the house.
After I drop her off I breathe a sigh of relief and, again, there’s that guilt, because of course I adore my daughter, but when she’s home, I cannot get anything productive done. Then I go back home, log on to my computer and start to work. I am lucky I get to work from home most days.
The dishes are stacked high in the sink. The laundry is piling up and I’m wearing my last pair of clean of underwear. The house hasn’t been vacuumed in weeks and dust bunnies and dog fur collect in corners. Skylar’s toys are scattered everywhere. There’s a new stain on the couch. We’re running out of toilet paper and could use some groceries.
I answer emails and look at spreadsheets and apply payments. I sit through several calls and I look at the time. Thankfully, my mom or my mother in law pick up Skylar at 12:30 on most days to give me more time to get my work done.
I come to a stopping point in my day job, the one that actually pays me, and then I have to decide what to do with the precious little time I have left in my day before I have to pick up my daughter.
And this is where my mind goes into a sort of frenzy, because the options are vast. There’s so many ways I could spend this incredibly valuable sliver of “free” time that doesn’t feel free at all.
I could tackle the embarrassing mess that is my house currently. Which room do I even start in? I could start one of the endless projects on my to-do list, like re-organizing my pantry or sifting through Skylar’s clothes that don’t fit anymore or scroll through big girl beds on Wayfair and order one for her since we’re giving the baby her crib. I could fill out the hospital paperwork or the breast pump insurance form that I’ve been putting off. I could do one of the many things on my to do list to prepare for the arrival of this new baby like pick up the snoo from a friend who’s lending it to us, wash and organize his clothes by size. I could write the thank you notes I need to for people who have bought me baby gifts or sent me things when my grandfather passed last week. I could go for a walk or do a work out video. I could go to the grocery store and buy the toilet paper.
I could write. I could work on editing my first book or my second book or I could work on the first draft of my third book. I could work on my author platform, my website, my social media. I’m an Accountant by day, but in my heart I’ve always been a writer – both fiction and non-fiction. It’s my passion. It’s my joy. It makes me feel alive. It’s what I’m really working towards. But it also takes a lot of brain power, a lot of focus and sometimes it feels too selfish because look at all of the other things I need to do.
I could start dinner because, inevitably, it will be 6 o’clock before I know it and I still have no idea what I’m going to make for us to eat tonight.
I could spend time reading the book I’ve been dying to start. I could collapse on the couch and take a nap. I could watch a relaxing cooking show. I could re-watch the swoon-y finale of “The Summer I Turned Pretty”.
Or, I could think through all these options, these endless choices of how to spend what little time I have left in the day, and become so overwhelmed and so paralyzed by all the things I could be doing that I wind up totally discouraged, mindlessly scrolling Instagram or Pinterest and completely disassociating from the world for a bit.
I’ll feel guilty no matter what choice I make. That’s what I’m noticing about myself. I will feel regret and exhaustion if I tackle chores and don’t rest. I will feel like I’m wasting time and I’ll have a hard time relaxing if I choose to read or watch a show or nap. I will feel selfish if I work on my books or my writing because does it even matter? Will anything ever come of it? Will I make a career of it at some point? Maybe I’m not good at all.
With choices, shouldn’t we feel more empowered? Shouldn’t having options make us feel more free and less stressed?
Instead, I just feel paralyzed lately. I feel like no matter what I do, there’s always some better use of my time. I can’t remember if it’s always been like this or if its just since becoming a mother. I just feel like my time is not my own and I have so little of it and trying to figure out the best way to utilize that precious commodity of free time is actually super stressful.
I’m trying to give myself grace, trying not to judge how productive I am, but it’s a struggle for me. It leads to burnout and discouragement. I think the impending arrival of this baby is also weighing on me and I feel like once he’s here, free time or me time won’t exist anymore and so there’s that added pressure of everything I need to do before he arrives…Because this time around, I know what it’s like to have a newborn. I was blissfully unaware with my first.
I don’t have a solution. I think they call this decision fatigue. With any struggle, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
How do you guys manage your decision fatigue? Do you feel guilty if you’re not being productive enough? Do you feel guilty for resting? Do you sometimes get paralyzed by all the choices and options that you wind up not even making a decision? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. I’m curious.
The Hope Antidote 