Life Lately

It’s been a minute. And life has been a whirlwind.

I’m a new mom!

I wrote about my hesitancy to embark upon this massive life change here, and now that it’s happened, I’m still trying to catch my breath.

Motherhood is…a lot of things. Part of me knew how difficult it would be, hence the pre-parental apprehension for 10+ years mentioned above. But, part of me still had no idea. You just don’t know until you go through it. It. is. so. hard. Like by far, the hardest job ever and it really is 24/7.

That being said, it’s also true that it’s the most rewarding job and that it’s worth it and that it does get easier.

I’ll be honest, the first six weeks were…something. Part of me felt some regret. I thought I had made a huge mistake. I thought to myself, “why do people do this?” And I felt enormous guilt over feeling that way. I loved this new little person, but I didn’t really know her yet. Labor and delivery were difficult (a story for another time) and she was demanding, as all babies are. Breastfeeding was hard and frustrating for both she and I. The exhaustion and lack of sleep everyone talks about is real, and still, I was unprepared for how tired I would actually feel.

I remember my mom saying to me, “You go back and forth between loving this tiny person and longing for your old life.” And I have never heard a truer statement in my life.

There were tears. For everyone – myself, my husband, the baby, the dogs (if dogs produced tears), but slowly after that six week mark things started to get better. We all started to adjust. Sleep improved slowly, my body healed, I started to accept my new role as a mother, and that love that was there the day she was born grew stronger every day. Boy, did it grow.

Despite the challenges of the past three months, anxiety-wise I actually managed pretty well. When I originally found out I was pregnant I decided to stay on my SSRI medication and I’m thankful I did. I’ve been on it for a little over a year now and I do notice a significant improvement in my mental health. I’m sure that’s due to a lot of things, but I think the Zoloft has helped. I’m thankful for it because I might have missed out on being Skylar’s mom had I let the anxiety continue to control my thoughts.

There’s a lot more to share about birth, about being a mom, about anxiety and life in general, and I hope to be able to share more soon. But for now, suffice to say, I’ve become a mom. I brought a real, live baby into this world, which is a reality I still marvel at. And I survived. I was so afraid for so long that I wouldn’t be able to handle this massive life change because of my anxiety issues and now that it’s here, well, I’m handling it. Some days better than others, for sure, but I’m doing it.

Life is good. Skylar is here. Sleep and alone time are far and few between, but she’s here and she’s beautiful and she’s mine. I’m beyond grateful for her.

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