I can picture her, pre-mom me. I am sitting on my couch, scrolling through instagram stories, and I see reel after reel, picture after picture of my friends’ babies. Babies learning to walk. Kids blowing out birthday candles. Posts about potty training. Pre-mom me rolls her eyes. A friend posts a quote about how challenging motherhood is and I think, come on, give me a break, everything is hard. I have had a day at work. I have a headache. My boss is being demanding. I doubt she has it harder than me.
I think to myself, “If I ever have kids, I’m not going to do that.”
Every post on my instagram is not going to be a picture of my baby. I am not going to talk about being a mom all the time. I am not going to get so wrapped up in my kid that I forget the rest of the world exists.
When my husband and I finally did decide to have a baby we had a conversation that went something like this:
Matt: “It can’t be that hard right? I mean, I know everyone says it is and the baby won’t sleep…but like babies sleep all the time, so how can it be that difficult?”
Me: “People love to complain. I’m sure it’s an adjustment, but yeah, it can’t be that hard. People wouldn’t do it if it were so hard.”
Matt: “Right. People have had babies for centuries. I’m sure it’s challenging and there are some adjustments but we’ll be fine.”
Me: “Absolutely.”
Oh, the blissful ignorance.
On some level, I knew it was hard, because I wasn’t even sure I wanted kids for a long time. I knew I would struggle with the lack of independence and freedom. I knew it couldn’t be easy taking care of a tiny human, and yet still, I didn’t get it.
I couldn’t understand the “moms need support” posts. In my mind, everyone needed support. I thought it was so strange when my mom friends would schedule lunches and dinners based on when their kids would nap or fall asleep. I would zone out when they would talk about the challenges of breastfeeding or getting their baby to fall asleep or the difficulty of packing up the car.
I hate to admit it but pre-mom me was kind of judgmental, because I just didn’t get it.
While I still don’t post about diapers or potty training, I post a fair amount of pictures of my daughter, because I am completely in love with her. I laugh at the funny mom reels on Instagram and TikTok because they are so relatable. I tear up at the posts about how fast children grow up and I sympathize with the posts about the challenges of motherhood. I find myself nodding in agreement with other mothers all the time. Yes! She gets it. That’s exactly it.
I have tried not to completely “lose myself” in motherhood, but the reality is, life has changed. Motherhood has changed me. A baby really does change everything. Parenting really is that hard. Moms really do need support and it really does become like a sisterhood…because I don’t think you can fully understand until you become a mother.
I certainly didn’t, but I do now.
Parenting is hard work. Moms are super heroes. I have so much respect for my own mother now, who raised three of us in a foreign country, away from her family and friends. Motherhood requires a different kind of strength that I just couldn’t comprehend pre-kids.
I am grateful that my mental health is in better shape than it’s been in a long time, because I would be seriously struggling if my anxiety were as bad as it once was. Being a mom takes almost every ounce of energy you have. These beautiful, little souls require so much of your attention, your time, your strength, your sleep.
The kicker is, much of it goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
I cannot count the number of times I heard co-workers in the office make comments about women on maternity leave and how they must be enjoying the “time off”, and I have to admit, I thought it sounded kind of like a vacation as well, way back when motherhood wasn’t even a blip on my radar.
Then I had a baby and, at a particularly low point, when I was struggling to pump out an ounce of colostrum at 2am and my baby was screaming but not eating, I remember thinking, “what have I done?”
A day in the office felt like a cake walk after a day at home with a newborn.
Being a stay at home mom is often looked at as taking the easy way out. Oh, she stays home with her kids? She has loads of time to keep a clean house. Why does she need help? It’s not like she works. These are the comments I’ve heard, and, if I’m being honest, these are the comments I’ve found myself nodding along in agreement with in the past.
Being a working mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a mom is hard.
We need support. We need the sisterhood of motherhood. It takes a village…I didn’t understand it before I became a mother but I wish I could shout it from the rooftops now.
The Hope Antidote 